All Apologies…(Updated 02/17 9:55PM)
Feb 17th, 2009 by RSmitty
From the “When it rains…” file. Today, just a smidgen under six-months-to-the-day of receiving settlement, we received a subrogation request from my wife’s old health insurance to recover over $1200 worth of claims from the accident they paid for the first handful of hours…due to the settlement we received…you know, the one that didn’t cover total costs, after the fees, etc were worked in. Oh yeah, this is good times here.
——(original post starts here – posted on 02/16/09 1:00AM)——
Most of you who know me are quite aware of circumstances my family has dealt with over the last three years. While nothing is concrete, the path seems quite certain. Let me add to that, given what I do, I have a deep, terrified concern over what this could lead to. While my latter concern is over something that legally can not happen, nothing is guaranteed. Of course, this is self-induced paranoia, but I believe it’s understood.
This post is more for me, for my sanity. I wrestled with posting this. I’ve come to the conclusion that secrets are far more painful, though. I carry a heavy burden, because this is one of those things that can be said, “It’ll never happen to me.” Well damn, one fool crossing a double-yellow line to pass and hitting head-on will change things…and it did. It’s a factor, but not all to blame. I accept making bad decisions, in haste, but bad nonetheless. I don’t know how this will bode for me, but I have tried, I have tried. Far worse things happen to others, but each event has its own set of consequences, some known before, some discovered along the way.
For those whom I disappoint, I am sorry, but how does this impact you? To my kids, I am immensely sorry, but I vow to sacrifice to make you not skip a beat in your youth. The lesson will be taught, but I will not let you suffer for it. To my wife, we apologize to each other, clench our hands together and leap.
All I ask is for understanding.
This is my brain dump. It has no intentional rhyme or rhythm and for that, no apologies.
Here goes (after the jump – with soundtrack!)
Music for your background enjoyment…
I look at the people I work among.
I see them blind in their eyes, but looking around them.
Buzzing by, meeting this, meeting that. Calls to off shore.
8:30AM coffee by the 20 cup, three in the trash
red-eye, please (espresso to a 16 coffee). No, not me.
What am I missing, am I the blind?
Email from wife asks about my AM
It is good but my pace is off others
Still on my first 20 cup, beginning to sour
I don’t have their taste, is mine wrong?
“I am not like them” comes when I see my kids pic
The world around me won’t stop spinning
nor will I ever move at that speed
Today, I don’t want that second cup
Do they even see through the window? BREATHE!
My kids are growing, I am going old
My knees hurt, hair fading, eyes blurring
Headaches, squinting, stuttering, ear cupping, what?
Email, instant chat, ringing phone, inbox high
9AM, third meeting, coffee cup now dry
More unemployed, money flying that doesn’t exist
Exists are bills to be paid, phone ringing three in six
Car crash, helicopter, sippie cups on the gravel
Traction, therapy, never recover, pay, pay, pay
Insurance spit, amazing cure at settlement, what u say?
No, not like you, you aren’t me, you can’t see
Ants are furious, colonizing, they don’t know you from me
Unknown are ancillary facts, focus through the tunnel
You don’t know me, phone rings thrice more
Pay the bill Pay the bill You had a baby You weren’t hurt
I look at the people I work among.
I see them blind in their eyes, but looking around them.
Buzzing by, meeting this, meeting that. Calls to off shore.
Another call, another negotiation lost
My terms are over, can’t squeeze no more
I’m not like them, they don’t have this time
I shouldn’t either, but life trying to pass by
Phone needs to stop, ring no more
I tried, you declined, there is no left time
Unemployment high, chap 7 or 13, please don’t push me out the door.
Shoot Smit. I am biting my lip and fighting back the tears. I didn’t know the extent to which your life circumstances have been crowding your brain and it hurts that you hurt.
We are all in a funk over this economy, though. Your poem is a catharsis for the drones whose almost unbearable stress must find some relief.
Are you the new DonViti?
Are you the new DonViti?
Nah, he’s the left-hand extension of my alter-ego, he just doesn’t know it yet. Don’t tell him.
BTW, I have a couple books of brain-drain from college. At this point, when I look back on them, I think, “What in the unholy name of Jim Morrison was I thinking?” Yeah, they are butcherish efforts in that same vein.
We love you, guy. You will have a special place in my prayers. The bad thing about life is that it moves on whether you are ready or not. The good thing about life is that it moves on whether you are ready or not. This too shall pass. I pray that you will have the wisdom to take it in the right direction.
Well stated, David! Smitty, you can count on me: phood@verizon.net
Hang in there, Smitty. If there’s anything I can do…
I don’t know you, and don’t know your circumstances, but it sounds like some sh—t for sure. We’ve all been there to different degrees.
I hope that you have a good network of family and friends. From your posts, I imagine that you do and also imagine that you will have the strength to get through.
Life tends to throw a ringer at us now and then. It sucks. It will pass; not easily, mind you, but there is a horizon and you’ll get through it.
Whatever the crap is that is going on, you are in my thoughts. When I hit the lottery, we’ll talk.
“When I hit the lottery, we’ll talk.”
LOL…I’m the kinda guy who plays only when it tops $100M, I might have to lower my standard to $5M. I’ll help both of you if I hit it.
Shirley – check out my update. It just got “better.”